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User blog:Oneders/Murder Party 2: Bloodbath Fever (A User Fic)
Because everybody needs a shitposty user fic once in a while. Welcome to Murder Party 2! Where's Murder Party 1? That's none of your business. Was there ever a Murder Party 1? You don't need to know. This will be stupid and written mostly by Aria and anyone she manages to drag down with her. Without further ado, this is ---- Chapter One: Deading, Dying On a cold, snowy night in Spoopifornia Wikifornia, a whole lot of people who I'm too lazy to count had been invited to a grand party by a mysterious entity who is not at all suspicious. Naturally, since the last party went absolutely perfectly with no deaths whatsoever, the invitees decided to attend. The first to enter through the oak doors was the author of this piece of shit Aria Westbrook, clad in all black and deprived of sleep and coffee. Next, Connor Shittylastname arrived to the party, followed by Billie D. Targaryen, Caitlin Toiletta II, Aidan Isadopted and his sister Summer Isadopted, the reincarnation of Max Ipoo, Xax Geno, the twins Eli and Gretchemrysmilia Salmonway, Blake Maymay, Kekai Afroduck, Aaron Burr (sir), Jackaboy Silenzio, Echo Kata, Justin Firejay and Tyler Americana. But as soon as everyone gathered, murmurs and tension began to rise as the guests stood in a circle, whispering to each other and pointing at the sight that greeted them all. "NO, MY LOVE!" Max cried out as he ran to the mangled corpse of Isabelle Shedoesntneedalastname while everyone covered their mouths and let out gasps. And thus, the first of many badly written murders began. Chapter Two: Memento Mori (by Caitlin and a salty Connor) “Ok, whose idea was it to invite Isabelle here?” Asked Blake. “We all know what happened last time she attended a party.” “Obviously it was Max.” Aria lazily pointed at him, yawning as she did so. “C’mon, he’s the only one who even liked her.” Everyone stared pitifully at Max as he laid down a small box by her hand. “And to th-think… tonight… I-I-I was going to-” His tears suddenly stopped, and all the pity in the room was banished. Intense vibes of anger rose from the prone form of Max, who cupped his hand around Isabelle’s chin. “Whoever did this… they will pay.” Silence. Terrible, deafening silence. Silence that bore into their eardrums like a wasp stinging their target. Everyone had been swept off their feet by the solemnity of their situation: A murderer, at the party. Nobody moved, nobody spoke. Nobody. Until at last, Cait broke the silence. “Screw this, I’m not going to be a victim.” She began walking towards the door, when Kekai grabbed hold of her hand. “Cait, please… we need to at least figure out who did this.” “But they could strike at any moment, and-” Cait shook her head, barely holding back the tears that were beginning to overwhelm her eyes. In response, Kekai wrapped his arms around her. “Don’t worry, it’s all going to be fine.” He murmured. The two of them stood there for a few moments, trying to forget about their problems. Meanwhile the rest of the group, with the exception of Max, had gotten bored of the sight and had wandered into another room. Leading them was Connor, who nonchalantly leaned against a bookcase. “Alright guys, we need to split up and search for clues. Firstly, because that’s obviously the best thing to do in a horror film, and two because I want to foreplay Scooby-Doo.” “Whatever floats your boat.” Billie shrugged, pulling out a can of cream soda from her bag. “Jesus, what kind of kinky shit are you into?” Blake stared bemusedly at Connor. “Erm, I meant roleplay. Yes, roleplay.” Connor nervously chuckled. “Aidan, you can team with Echo, Aaron, Justin and Tyler. Emilia, Xax, Aria and Blake, you’ll be a group. As for me, I’ll be with Billie, Summer and Eli. I guess Cait, Kekai and Max are a group as well, but they don’t know about our system.” “Got it.” Aaron started to wander out of the room, Aidan and Echo following blindly behind him. Before long, all of the groups had disbanded and separated. --Timeskip-- “Well, looks like there’s nothing to be found here.” Echo slammed the drawers shut. “Just what are we searching for, anyway?” Justin casually threw a book behind him, which almost landed on Aidan’s toe. “God that was close,” He muttered, still observing a desk of its contents. “HELL YES BABY THAT’S WHAT I WANT!” The three of them turned their heads in Aaron’s direction, as he had been the one who was screaming. Tyler stood over him, shaking his head. “What is it?” Echo smiled a little. “He’s only gone and found a poster.” Tyler moaned. “Not just a poster, a Gary Johnson poster. The best quality there is!” Aaron almost cackled as he held the poster close to his chest. “Well how’s that going to help in-” Justin was cut off by an ear-piercing shriek. Or to be more precise, two shrieks and a shout of surprise. “Wasn’t that-” “Billie and Summer!” “Quickly!” The quintet stumbled out of the room, half-tripping over their own feet. They continued tripping and falling all the way until they reached the source of the sound. “The hell just happened?” Tyler glanced around him, until he saw three figures in the distance. Billie and Summer were jumpy but Eli was rather relaxed? For a split second, Tyler thought he could see a tiny smirk on the Marvel-wannabe. “Well Connor only went and slid into those dms.” Eli shook his head as his grin faded slightly. “The bookcase! It-it just opened up out of nowhere like a Connaria love confession.” Billie shuddered. “Unless I had too much cream soda.” “So that’s what you and Summer were screaming about.” Aidan murmured. “Actually that was Eli.” The two girls chorused. For once, the salmon man’s stoic expression crumbled into dust. “Hey! Don’t you know that puberty’s a bitch? And you’re one to speak Summer.” “But coming from you. Now this is a perfect comeback for the times you mocked my accent and-” “Shut up for two damn seconds!” Echo shouted, before flushing red. “Sorry, but we can’t go into dildobrain territory. Not like Aaron.” Aaron was still hugging and worshipping the poster he had found, followed by a tiny kiss. “Echo’s right.” Tyler began playing around with the bookcase. “So how did he fall?” Just straight down. Gravity’s an even bigger bitch.” Eli shrugged. “Straight down?” Justin muttered. “Based on the map’s layout…” “He must be in-” “The bathroom!” Almost instantly, everyone in the two groups began to sprint downstairs, still acting like clumsy-ass klutzes. Aidan was even shoved off of the side rails, but thankfully a suspiciously-convenient velvet chair broke his fall. The rest of the group continued wandering around until they found the bathroom. "Ready? One… two…” Eli kicked at the door, but it didn’t budge an inch. Another kick, and it still didn’t go down. Summer shook her head and opened the door with the door handle. “Three.” The American took a tentative step into the bathroom, peering around the corner of the door. From the side, everyone saw her jaw drop as low as the chances of the Emilake ship sinking. No words could describe the sight, except that’s a lie because the following are about to describe the sight: A body, coated in pink, was suspended above the bathtub. Their hands were outstretched, each one with a knife driven straight into the centre of the palm. Their feet swayed forwards and backwards. Many stab wounds were imprinted on the arms and legs, accompanied by large passionate slashes of delight and joy. Most of these slashes were on the torso area, although a gaping one was embedded in the cadaver’s neck. But even that couldn’t distract Summer from the impact made on the face. Bruises lined the cheekbones and forehead, also joined by a few cuts. From the corpse’s mouth, lots of pink blood flowed down their clothes, drenching it with the elixir of life. As she peered closer, she notice a tiny pink stub where the tongue should be. What was left of it had been laid in the tub itself. Worst of all though, was the eye socket which lacked an eye. The other eye, which was still in place, contained nothing but horror. Next to his body, there was a note and a scooby-doo edition condom. Summer inched towards the note and picked it up and read it. “Happy belated birthday! Have fun with Aria ;)” “Crap,” Summer thought. “I didn’t know Connor was a strawberry smoothie machine in disguise.” "Who you callin' a smoothie machine--oh my God!" Suddenly, all of the heads in the room turned to look towards this new voice. Summer gasped in shock. "Connor!" Summer exclaimed, confused. "But when. . .how? I thought you were dead!" "Huh?" Connor shook his head in confusion. "I'm dead inside, yes, but not dead." "So you're not dead, but not not dead." Concluded Billie, taking a sip of cream soda. "Precisely." Said Connor, pulling another cream soda out of his backpack and handing it to Billie. The girl cheered excitedly. "Okay, but that doesn't explain this body," Eli pointed out the obvious. "Didn't you fall straight into this bathroom?" "What? No!" Connor sputtered in disbelief. "I landed on the opposite side of the mansion, idiot hookers." "Oh," Justin butted in. "I must've help the map upside down. Oops." "Well, I'm gonna go get a popcorn refill," Connor said flatly. "You guys can continue failing at reading maps without me, like the sad old mares you are. Love!" Connor then attempted to storm off, only to find Aria blocking the exit. "What?" "Oh, you're not going anywhere," she sneered. "For all we know, you're the killer." "Aria, what did I say about pointing fingers without evidence?" Emilia tutted. "Moving on," stated Summer, tired. "I'm going to take this." She said, taking the map from Justin's hand. And then, they proceeded with their search. Chapter Three: This Was A Horrible Idea "This," said Blake, gesturing towards the mangled body, "is clearly not okay." "I know, right? The condom's note is a disgrace," commented Aria. "We're talking about the body." Aidan shot her look. She merely shrugged. "Well, if it's not Connor, whose body is it?" Upon further investigation, Kekai concluded, "Holy hell, it's Xax." "But Xax and Connor don't even look alike!" Eli protested. Billie knitted her brows, putting away her flask of what seemed like alcohol but was probably cream soda. "Either way, it looks like these murders are just getting more and more demented." "Is no one going to ask why the blood is pink?" Aaron inquired, clutching his Gary Johnson poster tightly, but nobody heard him. "We've got to do something about this," said Tyler. "It's clear someone's on a rampage." "Don't look at me," said Justin. Naturally, everyone looked at him. "What did I just say?" "Anyway, what are we even supposed to do?" Summer shook her head. "Shouldn't we call the police?" "Nah." Kekai didn't seem all too worried. "Why?" Kekai shrugged. "I don't know. Plot reasons." Summer blinked. "What?" But everyone had already moved past the fourth wall breaking. "Then what do we do? We can't just let this maniac kill us all," Jack pointed out. "The logical thing, obviously." Emilia stepped forward. "We split up." "First things first." Aria walked up towards the note next to the condom, picking it up and ripping it to shreds. "What? This is probably a threat aimed at me." "Totally not because of your fake hatred for Connaria," Caitlin muttered under her breath. "Hey, who's the murderer, anyway?" Max crossed his arms, still vengeful after his girlfriend's death. "I bet it's Summer, because plot." Summer put up her hands. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not point any fingers." "Hey, I can vouch for Summer's innocence," added Billie. "As well as Eli's--" "It's Eli, isn't it?" Max didn't hear the last part of Billie's sentence. He marched up to Eli, who was more annoyed than intimidated. "I know it's you. I saw you smirk when we found the body, you sick bastard--" "Cut it out, guys!" Emilia intervened. "There's no way we'll find the killer like this." Max laid off Eli. Eli winked at Emilia. "Thanks, sis. I take back my plans of drowning you." "What?" "Nothing." Eli smiled. "Alright, new groups it is," said Blake. "Emilia, Echo and I are one group. Aidan, Summer, Eli, you three can go in another group. Justin, Aaron, Jack and Connor, then Tyler, Billie and Max, and finally, Caitlin, Kekai and Aria. Any objections?" "Yeah," started Tyler, "how come--" "Alright, let's split up!" --Yet another time skip-- "Are we honestly going to find out the murderer this way?" Emilia pondered aloud. Echo shrugged. "There's no mystery that goes unsolved," Blake added optimistically, "and nothing slides past the dankest memes." "If you say so," Echo muttered. "Where are we, anyway?" Emilia asked. "Where is this party even being held, and why is this venue so huge and complex?" "Probably to make the plot more interesting," said Echo, then gave them a puzzled look as if the author just made her say that. Blake noticed one of the books hidden away in a dusty shelf, except it was the only book that wasn't covered in cobwebs. "Is it just me, or is that titled, The Mass Murder in Spoopifornia Wikifornia of 2017? That's not suspicious at all." Emilia walked towards the very normal book, picking it out carefully. The second the book was removed from the shelf, the sound of metal cutting through flesh echoed throughout the room. Echo stifled a scream as Blake shrieked, "No!" A dozen spears poked out of the floor, piercing through Emilia in various areas, the most notable one coming straight out of her mouth. Emilia failed to say something. No words came out, but her horrorstruck eyes spoke enough. The spears finally retracted back into the ground, letting Emilia's corpse crash onto the floor with a sickening thud. Pink blood seeped through her clothes, staining them. A line of blood and saliva trickled down from her mouth. Neither Echo nor Blake could tear their eyes away from what remained of Gretchemrysmilia Salmonway. Chapter Four: Anger To The Max While Echo and Blake were presumably moping about a character who would've died eventually, Tyler, Max and Billie were off on their own path to figure out the mastermind behind this. "Exactly what are we even supposed to do find the killer?" Tyler asked, evidently annoyed. Billie shrugged, taking a swig of cream soda before responding. "Look for clues, I guess." "Yeah, okay. What clues?" He scoffed. "Do you think random pieces of paper with This person is the killer! are lying around this place?" Max shot him a look, one which Tyler didn't notice. "Well, this is cliché plot, so I wouldn't be surprised if we did," commented Billie. As they continued walking, every footstep echoing loudly, Billie stopped in front of a room. "Yeah, I have no idea what this place is, but here's a kitchen. Why is there a kitchen?" "This is weird," muttered Tyler as he opened the door. Sure enough, it was completely regular and harmless kitchen, save for the rack of knives in one corner and possible traps lurking underneath the floorboards, ready to kill guests like they already killed a certain someone literally a chapter ago do you really need this reminder? As Tyler rummaged through shelves searching for clues in vain, Max was glaring into the back of his head. Truth be told, he was still furious after seeing the disfigured corpse of his one true love, and that very anger fueled him to snap the neck of this murderer. Unfortunately, he was beginning to doubt everyone and lose the trust he had in them. "Hey, Tyler," he started at last, "who do you think is behind all this shit?" "Beats me," the American in question replied, still looking through shelves and counters to find any hint that would lead them to the murderer. Billie looked at Max, puzzled. "Max, aren't you going to help look for clues?" Max nodded slowly. "Yeah. Just a second." He walked towards the counter which held the rack of knives as Billie watched him warily. She quickly figured out what he was about to do and already grabbed the doorknob, ready to make the door fly open. "Max," she warned, but the vengeful Brit grabbed one of the knives and swung it into Tyler's back. Tyler, who didn't even know he was getting attacked until the knife was lodged into him, yelled, "Max, what the fuck--" Max didn't let him finish as he pushed him to the ground, pulling the knife out and proceeding to jab it into his chest multiple times, muffling Tyler's screams. "Max, we could've just settled this over a nice cup of tea and vodka!" Billie shouted over his victim's screeching, but Max in his utmost rage couldn't hear her. "This is what you get, you dirty murderer!" He wouldn't stop diving the blade into Tyler as blood splattered the walls and the floors. "Max, you're murdering him too, you know." Billie shook her head. She quickly opened the door and slammed it shut behind her, still being able to hear Max's laughter and Tyler's shrieking. "Yeah, I'm not having any of this," she muttered to herself before fleeing the scene. Chapter Five: Stop Witnessing Murders, Damn It "Exactly what are we doing, by the way?" Aria muttered, nonchalant about the entire situation. "Apparently trying to find clues that'll lead us to the murderer," Caitlin responded, "but I don't know how we can just find clues." "I guess there isn't much else we can do," Kekai commented. Caitlin narrowed her eyes. "We should honestly just call the police--" "No," the Brit's companions said simultaneously. "Why?" Caitlin asked. "And don't say plot reasons." "Plot rea--" Aria stopped herself. Changing the subject, she pointed towards nothing in particular. "Oh, hey, that's a thing over there." "You're pointing at the wall," Kekai noted, before pausing. "Oh, hey, that is a thing over there." Caitlin shook her head. "Could either of you be more specific?" "It's a door and it's open." They headed towards the door and entered the room to be greeted by an array of books neatly settled in shelves as well as two of the party guests surrounding a dead body. "I didn't know Junko Enoshima was at this party," Aria mused. "Spoiler warning," Kekai muttered before heading over to Blake and Echo. "What happened to Emilia?" "Th--The spears," Echo stammered, "they just--they shot out of the ground, a--and impaled her!" "Definitely Junko," Aria whispered. Caitlin elbowed her in annoyance. Caitlin noticed how Blake hasn't spoken a word. Was he grieving over his girlfriend's death, or was he concealing his joy over it? "Are you okay?" She asked him. Blake didn't respond. "In any case, it seems like whoever suggests splitting up ends up dying," Kekai observed. "So, how about we team up to ensure I'm one of the survivors of this mess we don't die?" "That sounds alright to me," said Echo, breathing a sigh of relief. "So, it's Kekai, Aria, Blake, Echo and I, I guess." Caitlin tore her eyes away from Emilia's corpse. "We should head out and try to find the others so we can regroup." "Agreed." The new crew began leaving the library, letting Emilia's corpse rot in it. They exited the room in single file, Echo being the last. Before she could cross the threshold, the door slammed shut. "Where do you think you're going?" asked Aria. Echo turned around. "What do you mean?" "You're making it painfully obvious that you killed Emilia, you know," Aria said matter-of-factly. Echo clenched her fists. Aria raised an eyebrow. "Alright, your reaction pretty much confirms that you set up the trap. Killing Emilia so that you can have Blake all to yourself, tsk tsk. You killed Isabelle and Xax too?" "No!" Echo retorted. "I didn't kill those two. Besides, you don't have any evidence that I killed Emilia." "You said 'those two' instead of 'those three'." Aria brought out a knife, twirling it in her hand. "Well, that's all the proof I'' need." Echo widened her eyes. "What do you think you're doing?" "I'll give you three seconds to make a guess." Aria took a step forwards. "One." Echo began walking backwards. "Two." She grabbed the handle of the door. "Three." The knife slashed through her throat, sending sickeningly pink blood flying through the air and staining the walls. Echo fell to the floor. Aria bit her lip. "If she didn't start the murders, who did?" She glanced at Echo's body. "This is going to be a pain to clean up." The second she began dragging the body away, all the blood was drained away from her face as a voice spoke, "It sure will be a pain to get rid of the evidence, Aria." Chapter Six: Gary Johnson's Betrayal (by Connor as he stopped being a lazy ass) "So," Justin rubbed his head ruefully, unsure of what to do next. "What now?" "We keep looking." Connor said, dubious. They had been looking for leads for over an hour, and yet, they hadn't found a thing. It was tiring, pointless, and all Connor could think about was how he could be finishing Season One of ''Stranger Things ''as opposed to searching for literally nothing in particular. As such, when Jack exclaimed he had found a clue, Connor's eyes lit right up. "Great job!" Aaron exclaimed to his friend, high-fiving him. Jack had moved a rug placed in the center of the room, therefore revealing a hole in the floor. Connor was intrigued. "Alright, good job!" He said, condescending. "But someone's gotta, you know, enter the stupid hole? And it ain't gonna be me." "Can't be me either," Justin claimed. "Somebody just swiped right on my Tinder profile, and she's asking me out on a date!" "Fine!" Connor said, bitter. "You should go. Any girl swiping right on you is a miracle. So go. Go meet this blind woman and when I'm done hunting down this murderous hobo, I'm gonna call Pope Francis, because we now have proof of God's existence in this universe." "Don't be rude!" Justin complained, but left nonetheless. "So, Jack, that leaves you." Connor and Aaron both turned to Jack. "Aaron, find me a rope, we're lowering him down that hole." Aaron walked off, and returned with a rope a few minutes later. They tied it around Jack, and began lowering him down the hole. "I don't understand," Jack exclaimed shortly after he was swallowed by the darkness, already deep into the hole. "How deep am I supposed to go?" "Duh, Aria, I mean whore, deep," Connor replied from outside the hole. "What kind of question is that?" "Alright, just makin' sure." And so, Aaron and Connor continued to lower the rope. Until they were interrupted, that is. Not by a rabid, unreliable pony person, nor by the mastermind, but by Connor himself. "Oh my God, Aaron, it's Gary Johnson!" Connor exclaimed, rolling his eyes around. "What, where?" Not finding anything, Aaron turned around. And got a glass bottle thrown at his face. Cream soda was splashed everywhere as the bottle was broken on the impact, sending Aaron skittering to the ground below. "Well, now that was surprisingly easy!" Connor said, smiling gleefully. "Now, where was I?" He pondered for a moment, before remembering his plan. "Oh, right!" And without any further thought, he plucked a shard of broken glass from the floor and used it to cut the rope. As Jack screamed from inside the hole, Aaron's blood finally reached his Gary Johnson poster, that he held close to him as death paid a visit in the form of an iconic human being named Connor. Chapter Seven: Junko Enoshima's Basement :''spoilers: features jack and eclair and dildos Category:Blog posts